I don't always do the right things

..but I try to never do the wrong things.

Assalamualaikum

Wrong things, however, can sometimes be very manipulative. They can turn themselves into something that seemed right at the time. Or it could be that I'm getting used to justifying myself, cuz I rarely see other people having difficulties differentiating those two. I often think there's something wrong with me. So, when I did do the wrong thing, the first person I'd blame was always myself. The guilt, the anger, the devastation, the disappointment, the accusation, were always pointed at myself.

Regret, however, is not my greatest virtue. I've always believed there are some things I need to learn the hard way. The path I've chosen, the mistakes I've done, the things I've lost, the tears I've cried, I consider as a small price I have to pay for whatever treasure lay ahead.

This is just how I was made. I was always accustomed to solve my own problems cuz I believe there's no other person who knows myself better than I do. Of course it's easy to think this way if the only one who end up getting hurt is myself. The question now is, what if the mistake I've made affect other people? What if my wrongdoing hurt other people? Does my way of thinking still apply?

I don't always try to be nice to, let alone care about other people, but I try to never hurt any.

This ignorance often keeps me out of trouble. The same ignorance, it seemed, misled me to care about no one other than myself which, however unintentionally, end up hurting other people. So when I did get other people hurt, I try to do what I never do: not be ignorant and start to give a damn about other people. I gather up my courage and try to put myself in their shoes. It's no treat, I tell you, seeing myself through their eyes. For quite sometime now I've been haunted by guilt, and may still be so for quite sometime later. What it does, however, is help me deal with the problem even when there's no one to consult. It helps me find a solution to whatever mess I got myself into.

Of course, a solution is no solution if it doesn't solve the problem. What I do is, I try to find a solution that comes nearest to solving the problem. But it's not so easy if the person whose shoes I'm wearing I barely know at all. What happened is I end up wearing this person's shoes, looking through this person's eyes, but still thinking using my own head. Kind of like what happened to John Cusack when he was John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich.

So, putting the problem into the equation, say, if I were to be hurt by someone, I will surely hate this person sooo bad I wouldn't want to have anything to do with this person whatsoever within the near future. Not to see, not to meet, not to speak, not to talk about, not even the mention of the name. And not until sometime later, when my anger wears off, when my disappointment is replaced by another achievement, when the wound starts to heal, will I look back and see clearly what really was happening back then. Who knows what I'll be feeling by then? I'm pretty sure, just like what's happened a few times, that I'll be healed although the scar may still be seen and the pain may come every now and then. So for me, there's no better solution but time. Tempus sunat vulnera. But then again, it's me.

Lastly, I don't always allow myself to express what I'm feeling, let alone to write my deepest feelings in such a public medium. But every once in a few-years while, I feel the need to just let my guard down and let it all out. And like a wound that's left a scar, like a certain text I've saved in my mobile, I will keep this journal as a memento to remind me of such person that I was and such person that I should never become.

Wassalamualaikum